Reconciling My Identity, a Letter to My Daughters

A Featured Article by N Mims

Dear Blake and Bryce,

You both are growing up during difficult times. Though your father and I try to provide you with the best that we may offer, we recognize that our reach is limited. Television and the internet offer a barrage of conflicting images which may be confusing for young children. The world can be brutal and we do not want either of you to be unprepared. We encourage you to have pride and see the beauty in yourselves, while also respecting the beauty of others. No one is better, they are simply individuals. I wish I learned that lesson as a child, to help manage the pain of adversity.

As the child of immigrants, I would often be sent to spend my summers in the Caribbean with family. I fondly remember chasing the numerous butterflies, picking fruit from trees, and scooping tadpoles out of ponds. However, at seven, it was the summer that I was forced to come to terms with my Blackness. Our family is very diverse due to the mixing of cultures on the island. However, my naivete as a seven-year-old viewed everyone as being the same.

Staying with my uncle, his wife would comb my hair daily. I was born with a massive crown of hair that has always led to the frustration of many hairstylists. While my aunt was combing my hair, her sister, who was not Black, happened to be visiting. I recall “sister” coming over with interest to inspect my hair. With a look of disgust she commented, “oh, she has nigger hair” and walked away. Being a proud child and never being called that word before, I sensed that it was derogatory. Though I argued with this adult woman that my hair was just fine, it began the journey of developing my sense of self after being shattered from the utterance of one word.

As the mother of two Black daughters, I am very conscious of how I raise you both. Though you are six and soon to be four years old, you are very cognizant of your identity and others around you. Hair is a major component of how we identify ourselves. With varied textures and lengths, I try to stress the beauty and distinctiveness of each of you. I am also aware of how I treat you during the process of hairstyling. You both are sponges and your experience with self-care should not be a painful or tedious process.

As a child in the 1980s, I was subjected to having my hair pressed with a hot comb, fresh from being heated on a stove. Though a drawn-out process, it led to the long flowing locks that I wanted to emulate. No one on television resembled me or my family. If they did, their hair was either processed from a Jheri curl or a hair relaxer. No Black woman wore their hair in a natural style. The Afro of the 1970s had become frowned upon. I made the connection that straight hair was better because I would be able to assimilate. Receiving a relaxer at age nine, I would no longer be deemed as having “nigger hair”. I never shared the experience of my seventh summer with anyone. Yet this relaxer was my way of coping with the internal pain of my hair, in its natural state, not being deemed as sufficient.

However, the routine of receiving a relaxer once a month and spending hours at a salon continued well into college. I felt that the effect of the process was well worth the praise that I received. I constantly heard compliments about my hair, which added to my self-esteem as a young woman. I would not dare cut it, my hair at the time was my value. I was able to be smart and ambitious, yet my hair differentiated me from other women. I developed a convoluted relationship with my hair which became a crutch for me. I wouldn’t dare go swimming or to the beach, or even work out to avoid sweating out my hair. So the self-care that I thought I was investing in myself, was hurting me.

As a senior in college, I decided that I was tired of the charade and cut off all of my hair. However, the natural hair product industry at the time was very slim. So my stylist encouraged me to texturize my hair which was essentially just a mild relaxer. So again, I was coerced into using a chemical process to manage my hair. Hair relaxers were a prevalent product used in the Black community, however, the ingredients were not FDA regulated. So women and girls were exposing their scalps and bodies to harmful chemicals such as lye and formaldehyde. The consistent accumulation of these chemicals can be assumed to have negatively impacted women, including chemical burns and hair loss. Yet, this information from manufacturers has never been transparent.

As a culture, Black women were fed images that relaxed hair was the only acceptable way to present themselves. The Black hair care industry is valued at more than $2 billion, with the targeted consumer demographic being 13% of the population. Upon graduating from college, I would wear my hair in a bun while on an interview because I felt that my hair in its natural state would be viewed as unpolished. I also felt that having straight hair was professional and anything outside of that was sub-par. But whose bar were we using to measure our self-worth and identity?

In 2012, I decided to start over again and cut all of my hair off. This coincided with the natural hair boom. Black women everywhere were embracing natural styles from afros to braids to protective styling. I gave my hair a chance and allowed myself to fully appreciate the kinks, curls, and volume of it. My hair has grown into an entity and I have luckily found the right products that specifically work for me. When I walk into a room, I am no longer concerned about my hair bringing others discomfort. Why should the hair that grows out of my head be judged from a Eurocentric standard? How is that fair to me or my daughters?

It has taken decades for me to fully reconcile my identity as a Black woman through the journey of my hair. I am now unapologetic about my hair or my Blackness. If one feels threatened by my hair, it is not my issue. Sadly it took way too long for me to internalize that perspective. However, I did gain a sense of compassion for the relative with the derogatory comment from 30+ years ago. She truly felt that hair was directly correlated to worth and sadly at the time, I believed her.

Even today, people of color continue to be discriminated against, based upon the style and texture of their hair. How could something that grows naturally from our bodies be viewed with such disgust by others? Also, why is it deemed acceptable by some to appropriate cultural hairstyles and wear as a mockery or a costume? My hair is neither a joke nor is it unkempt. Natural hair and cultural styles need to continue to be normalized and accepted in mainstream society. By not doing so, we are doing a disservice to our young people who need to be able to make those connections.

Therefore, my dear daughters, I am determined to impress upon you that though hair is a part of our identity, it will always grow back. Do what you want with it, cut it, lock it, dye it purple. You are not your hair and your value is in your mind and your heart. Once you have established that strong foundation, you will have established a strong sense of self regardless of the state of your hair.

Love always,

Mom

About the Author:

Nadezhda Mims is an educator, mother, wife, and lifelong learner. Though she is an English teacher at Governor Livingston High School, Mrs. Mims is adept at teaching about life experiences and making real-world connections to literature. As an educator for over nine years, Mrs. Mims had a previous career in the sales industry within the corporate sector. However, her love for literature and offering insight to others led Mrs. Mims to the field of education. In addition to teaching, Mrs. Mims is co-advisor for the class of 2023, advisor for the Student Activism Club, a participant in the BHPS Teacher Leadership Cohort, and a member of the BHPS Social Emotional Learning committee. She is very passionate about facilitating change for her young daughters and other future leaders.

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